It is offered freely with no external pressure to do it

When one wrongs/offends another it creates a debt between them. Forgiveness is cancelling the debt

It is the internal act of releasing the other

When we forgive ourselves, we are releasing ourselves from the debt owed for our mistakes against others especially if those we have wronged have forgiven us

Sometimes we feel our mistakes are unforgivable even those that nobody holds against us, forgiveness is accepting we are human and allowing ourselves to make mistakes that we can learn from

And when you remember the offense or wrongdoing (and you will), forgiveness is choosing to forgive again…and again…and again

To read about what forgiveness is NOT click here

Does understanding what forgiveness is or is not make it easier to forgive a partner? Maybe not. Practicing forgiveness however makes it possible to rebuild trust (where both parties are willing) and it makes it possible for you to let go of the resentment and bitterness and move on with your life, with or without the other.

In my role as a Calgary Marriage Counsellor I am faced with helping to clarify what forgiveness is and help couples apply this to the many hurts, sometimes infidelities or other forms of betrayal that have occurred. Forgiveness helps in every type of relationship: among siblings, parents and children, friends, roommates, acquaintances, co-workers etc

This section covers what forgiveness is not, next section will describe what it is and the final section will be on how to apply forgiveness to ourselves and others.

What Forgiveness is NOT:

1.     It is NOT Reconciliation with the person who hurt you – you don’t have to become best friends or even friends after

2.     It is NOT Forgetting the hurt or the pain caused

3.     It is NOT Condoning/Agreeing with the wrong that was done

4.     It is NOT Trusting blindly the person who hurt you – difficult when you are under the authority of someone e.g. coach, parent, leader

5.     It is NOT Denial of the reality of what happened

6.     It is NOT Rushed or forced but to be invited and waited for when you are ready

7.     It is NOT Dependent on the offender saying sorry

8.     It is NOT a Quick way out of the pain

For most of us the new year brings untold possibilities. Unlimited ways we could see progress in our lives, relationships, finances and goals. Through a process of resolutions or goal setting we choose a path to follow that will allow this progress to actually become reality. Here is a video I have found inspiring year after year in helping me re-focus my efforts and manage my time better.

Its a bit long but very worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blaK_tB_KQA&feature=gv

• Couples who stay together and couples who separate fight as often as each other
• We fight because we are different and we care about those differences
• Its not that you fight, its how you fight that matters: making it easier for your partner to hear your concerns and responding in such a way as to move towards resolution

Adapted from Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Marriage and Antidotes. Consider marriage counselling or couples counselling to build on these skills and learn how to fight fair.

Seems harsh, but there is a sense of realism and familiarity to the experience of falling out of love or better still of settling in love. Have you noticed the enthusiasm and romance fading and the friendship becoming stale? Its time to take risks again. Its time to allow yourself some growth, experiences and transformation and pluck the courage to invite your partner along. Get to know the evolving you and share that with the one you love.

Do you remember when you were willing to be goofy…all because of love? When you made some of the mush below come alive?

• When you are in love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams! [my favorite by Dr. Seuss!]
• Today I caught myself smiling for no reason… then I realized I was thinking about you!
• If you love me let me know, if not please gently let me go!
• To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world!
• Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control!
• Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it!
• The best thing about me is you!

Take the risks to keep growing. Go ahead! It’s not time to settle

There are varieties of understandings about what constitutes normality regarding a person’s mental health, causes of mental illness and/or anything that deviates from ideal mental health. For example, from a Euro-centric perspective, in general terms, illness is caused by pathogens or deficiency/imbalance of ‘physical’ matter (body chemicals, cells, tissues or organs).

Other cultures may view the concept of illness differently. For instance, in my opinion, First Nations people may view illness as a result of an imbalance among spiritual, emotional, physical and mental parts of an individual. Thus, in this view, healing must take into account the whole person (his/her psyche, spirit, mind and emotions). However, some people believe that of all the above, having a ‘good’ spirit is the essence of mankind and without spiritual force(s), a person is likely to develop a mental illness. Such views do surface in my counseling work. I work with all individuals regardless of their worldview. My main goal is not to debate worldviews but to meet individuals’ needs so as he/she can become a better person; I mean mentally healthy!

Tobias Mwandala, MSW, RSW [Counsellor]

As a Calgary addiction Counsellor, I am all too aware of the prevalence of substance abuse as a major player in people’s lives. And now with the Internet taking centre stage, porn, gaming, gambling and cyber reality living are emerging as serious concerns.

How do you know if there is an addiction at play: persistent desire and repeated unsuccessful attempts to stop use or behavior. Usually over a twelve month period or more.

As the news demonstrates some celebrities have become notoriously famous for their public antics that lead to rehab and then back again for some more. They are not alone.

Relapse is very much a part of recovery – over 90% of the time. The first year after quitting, especially, is the hardest to keep under control. Accountability & encouragement – let someone know, maybe even your family or join a group. Medical – some pharmacological treatments help. Biological – be extra careful if there has been a family history. Environmental – be aware and have a plan against reminders and triggers in the environment. Stress and Psychology – most addictive substances and behaviors are used to address emotional needs and medical needs. Have alternative strategies including counselling. Spirituality – have a reason and beliefs that inspire you as to why to stay clean.

Remember – successful people have many strategies!

These notorious elements were embedded in the large crowds and took advantage of the opportunity. Reminds me of the presence of certain elements in our lives like anxiety, perfectionism, failure etc, sometimes known as ‘gremlins’ who get embedded amidst all our hopes and dreams and intentions for our lives. Suddenly they show up and are giving us such a hard time and may succeed at changing our reputation.

Have you ever been called an ‘anxious person’ or a ‘perfectionist’? Well there you go. At heart you may be cool, calm and collected, but after some disappointment or in the face of great expectations anxiety and perfectionism may suggest you act in anxious and perfectionist ways.

Next time you face these unruly elements take a deep breath and try standing up to them. Don’t let them change the way you want to be viewed. Give them the boot. Act in the manner consistent with the peace-loving and life-loving person that you are. One way to stand up to anxiety is to ask the question, ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ Consider the worst-case scenario, consider what you would do in that case and rate the current situation in light of that. Hopefully you relax.

Is there really a home advantage?

With scores like 8-1, 4-0 and 5-2, you would have to agree that Boston has been able to use the support of their home crowd to their advantage.

Winning at home is a lot easier. Having your supporters around you makes it possible to face life’s challenges with an edge. What is it that fans and supporters provide us? The feeling that we are not alone. Others share in our dreams, hopes, desires and goals. We don’t have to rely on our own stamina, especially in the face of temporary defeat, some major hits to the head J or being scored on first.

Our fans and supporters cheer us on even when we don’t feel we are doing so well, they give us strength to carry on. So next time you are checking out or feeling overwhelmed engage the home team advantage. Get on the phone with your cheering squad, your family and friends and allow yourself to hear their encouragement and receive their support!